why

lately i have been thinking, what is it after you die...why do we all have to pursue something in life or have a goal. so wat if life was meaningless when everyone will die at the end of the day. why are we pursuing this 'goal' or this 'fulfilment'?

why do i have to study so hard to get my degree? why is it so hard to find a job without a degree? why does Man have to make life so difficult and competitive for himself? because of Man, i have to go with the flow, do what everyone is doing and thus survive in this cruel world.

why is it that im facing a sudden surge of emotions and uncertainty. the mind is not with the heart. they are not one anymore. i cant concentrate...get out of my mind! i have become a loner...i was always a misfit but i never minded being a social misfit. i like it. becos i dun relish being everyone's friend. u dun have to like me and neither do i like u. just get out of my way.

i do not say what i feel. i do not tell them wat i feel. maybe i do and maybe i dont. i think of people whom i dislike more than those i like. isnt that weird? and im constantly affected by those whom i dislike...things which they do irks me and it disturbs me. GO AWAY HH! go far far away! u, urself, the way u behave, ur blog irks the living hell outta me. i hated the day i knew u...

my dreams recently are in a turmoil and it reflects my mood in the day. i drink more and more caffeine. sometimes i even want to take a puff. i hate myself for it when i detest breathing in other poeple's filthy and choking smoke. but then i think to myself. rather i take in their second hand smoke, might as well kill myself then to let them kill me! and u know wat's even better? they have pink ciggies now! they are so pretty!

what a contradiction my life has become.